When Being a Dad Is like Crab Fishing

Fatherhood gives you that rustic, weathered look

Yesterday I was watching a show about crab fisherman in the Bering Sea. They head out to  for extended periods of time in search of the "Ellusive  Blue Crab". Battling Arctic cold and high seas, they push themselves to the limit, enduring injuries, exhaustion, cramped quarters and often, hostile crew mates. Sometimes they work stoically, sometimes they complain. In the end, however, they get the job done. Bad working conditions are par for the course. These guys just love to fish.

My daughter walks in the room and says to me ;

"Dad, this is horrible TV. It's boring and these people are crazy for even wanting a job like that."

At that point she retreated to her room and turned on her radio. Maybe I'm not evolved enough to appreciate the intellectual depth of One Direction.

So I started  thinking about what I was watching. Was it really boring and a waste of time?

I called bullshit. 

The 12 year was getting in my head. I'm evolved dammit. I started thinking of myself as the captain of one of those crabbing boats. Being a single dad is like navigating the Bering Sea. No level of expertise or training will really prepare a father for the challenge of raising daughters. One minute they are mature decision makers with purpose in their eyes. The next thing I know they are perfumed bundles of emotional turbulence, hating me for stuff I never heard of. My exes are 30 foot waves and  buckets of frozen spray. If I let that collect, it will capsize my boat.

We single parents can get the job done just as well as anyone else, we just get knocked around a bit in the process. We are small boats, and we have to be a little more purposeful in our movements and decision making. Sometimes those waves even hurt.

Family vacations only work when everyone on the same page

 I'm reminded of this reality as I sit here and contemplate my summer, even though it's only March. Schedules have to be managed, money has to be saved and rides will have to be arranged . Springtime is the season for summertime preparations and diplomacy. Long days with the kids out of school mean twice the work for me. But no matter how much I don't want it to happen, school will soon be dismissed for the summer. My kids will rush home with smiles on their faces, full of big plans about what they are going to do with "their summer" even though they have no cars or jobs. 

 Last summer my kids tried to hijack the boat

They almost got away with it too, because it wasn't a regular hijacking. I didn't see it coming. It was a passive aggressive mutiny. I'm no expert on mutinies, but I imagine the passive aggressive ones to be the worst. I think they started setting me up in early June, when they began talking about all these wonderful things they wanted to do during the summer. Soon , there were talks of weekend camping trips and getaways to the beach.  Tentative plans were made to attend weekend festivals and and shows. And why not? That's what summers are for. 

As the summer wore on, I realized that most of those things just weren't practical. Time always seems to speed up between the months of June and September, and besides , I was just plain tired. Working 12 hour shifts at night meant I was already short on sleep.Regular summertime parenting is more demanding on it's own. Sometimes there's not as much time for extra stuff. We managed  a few days at the beach, and had plenty of cookouts at the park. Soon it became apparent that was as far as we would get that summer.

That's when my kids rushed the cabin.

The kids were bothered. After softening me up a bit with some good old fashioned sad faces,  the truth came out. They were upset because they didn't get to go on a  vacation.  I mean, they were really upset about it. They were bored, and they didn't have as much fun during their summer as they had hoped. It had been a long time since we all had a real vacation at the beach. I understood that, but this is what I explained to them, in kid words.

I don't owe my kids a vacation

• I owe my kids quality time, but nobody says it has to be at the beach. I would love a family vacation every year, but sometimes it's not a reality. 

• I don't understand how you can expect a vacation when you don't have a job. 
• They do the same things at home that they would do on vacation. They just want to do it in a different place. That's what they mean when they say they are "bored".
• It's not their Summer. It's mine. I still have a job and stuff to do around the house. They can build themselves their own summer, but it has to be arranged around my schedule. 
• Generally, It's not my job to entertain my kids. I can provide them with avenues of entertainment, but that's about it. I feed them, educate them and keep them safe. I shouldn't be obligated to make them enjoy it too. 

Now all this might be true, but I'm not a heartless bastard. I just have a tough time dealing with kids that think the world owes them something. If my kids are doing it, I can't complain about the other kids I see. My girls won't be young forever. I't makes me happy that my kids look forward to family vacations. (I remember asking my dad about "family vacations" when I was a kid. He looked at me like I gave him a punchline without a joke.)  My goal this summer is to have a family vacation, and we're all going to chip in as much as we can to make that happen. Soon I won't have a ship to pilot. I'll miss these days much like a captain would miss the sea. I won't miss the 30 foot waves, I won't miss the freezing spray, or the unpredictable weather, but I sure will miss the crew.

See also The day my kids stopped complaining about dinner

Simple solutions are the often the best solutions